I went to church today with some friends and realized the effects of my priorities. What I have came to realize is that by spending time with my close friends who have different beliefs, and other friends who are Christians but part of a different ministry- I have broken relationships with the ministry that I am involved with on campus.
Now, by broken I do not mean that none of us talk ever. I don't know how to describe it, it may just be me. I tend to make things awkward when their not, but here- let me explain.
Well, the girls in my ministry all of them are super nice, and they are really close to each other. I wish I could be closer to them, but...I don't know. Do you ever feel like you live in the same castle as someone, but there is some kind of a stone wall wedged between the two of you? These feelings kind of go with a lot people in the ministry I am a part of, everyone is super nice and they make anyone feel comfortable. But I guess by my priorities being my friends outside the ministry, there is some resentment towards me.
I confess that it is hard, super....extremely...monstrously hard to balance friends. Ministry friends and Outside friends. I don't want brick walls between any of my friendships. I feel like I'm choosing my Outside friends over my ministry friends, but...I guess I can look at it this way. Who needs me more? I mean, Jesus did not only hangout with his followers, he extended his hand to every living soul, regardless of what labeled scum they were.
My outside friends are definitely not scum, but I guess, I hope to be an example of what kind of Love God is. I want to be the girl who gets along with everyone and be loving towards everyone.
It's just weird. I have all these barriers with all the friends that I have except for one or two people. I mean, with the ministry- I put on a straight face and just display the Spiritual side of myself, never the true me. I do that with a lot people who do not know me that well, they just usually one or two sides of me.
I like to picture the different sides of me into three categories: My Spiritual self, Actual Self (like personality), and Extended Self (like my actions).
With my close friends who have different beliefs, they see pretty much 99% of my Actual Self, 99 percent of my actions, and 10 percent of my spiritual self. I can talk about everything with my close friends, but not really religion in order to avoid awkwardness. They probably feel the same way. As well, no one wants to "shove religion" down each others throats.
In the ministry, no one knows my Actual Self too well. My actual self though is basically Mary Poppins mixed with Flo the Progressive lady, I'm not too sure.
Though, the same goes towards them- I do not know all their personalities that well either.
But, hopefully next year will be different. I will be a Small group leader and will try to be more involved and hopefully restore these broken or slightly chipped relationships with my Brothers and Sisters in Christ.
But one thing for sure that I do not regret is being close friends with people who are outside the ministry, or even outside Christianity. Someone told me before that sometimes a Christian may be the only Bible people can read, well- I'm serving as a Bible in a way to my close friends.
I feel that I have helped a lot of people develop and restore Faith in God. The key though, is to show the Love that God is. Afterall, God is love.
In all honesty, I don't do the best of this. I have said some things that definitely hurt others before. Yet, everything is good now after time healed feelings.
If anyone is reading this and is offended, I apologize in advance.
One thing is for sure though, if you find someone who does accept all three Beings of yourself- keep them in your life. Whether a Best Friend, a Family member, or even your Dog!
They can be the rock that you need when experiencing turmoil.
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